Where do you want to go today?
1. Don’t fight with your husband before you even get to the airport — unless it’s just the thing ya’ll do so you can have really good sex once you get to the hotel.
2. Don’t go with a bunch of girls, half of whom you don’t get along with. You won’t have a good time and you’ll ruin their fun with your stinky attitude.
3. Don’t be the person who keeps kvetching about her fat belly, hips or thighs. Just rip off the stupid coverup and get in the water, girl.
4. Don’t drink too much and sleep with some native guy you just met. He’s got a wife and five kids back in his village. And if you’re a white woman with blond hair then there’s a pretty good chance you may go missing.
5. You don’t have to call your Mom every day to assure her you’re still alive. You’re in the Caribbean not Afghanistan.
6. Try new dance moves, accents, outfits. Wear a thong bikini! No one’s gonna remember you once you leave. Let yourself go and have some fun.
7. Don’t go on the tour. Lay on the beach all day instead. Or go on the tour and don’t lay on the beach all day.
8. If you go alone be wary but try to make a new friend among the locals and stay in touch once you get back home. Why don’t people have pen pals anymore? It’s so much easier with e-mail.
9. Don’t feel pity or guilty about what you perceive to be the poverty of the island or country. Your pity is demeaning to the people who live perfectly normal and acceptable lives without American excesses.
10. Don’t post your pictures on Facebook daily. That’s pathetic. Make it a point to enjoy yourself so much that you forget to even take pictures.
11. Give thanks! You can afford to go on vacation while some folks don’t have jobs. God is good.